A new paradigm in creating health

Healing Sanctuary MBSWhy healing is not about thinking

Mind and thinking are the obstacle, not the solution, when it comes to healing the body. Healing happens when you find a way to drop out of the mind, not drive further into it. And that is one of the things that has gone off-track in the contemporary spirituality movement, and why there are many books written about healing but fewer results. I’ll explore this here.

I have never seen anyone get well just by repeating over and over “My body is well, My body is well” or similar, such as trying to visualise a well body whilst being in the throws of illness. I am not saying this is a total waste of time – but in my experience, it just gets people even more focused on being ill by encouraging stressful overthinking, which is a huge contributor to illness. Every time they affirm “I am well” – or try to imagine being well – they feel more ill, not less.  It’s like trying to be happy when you’re in the depths of despair. It’s just too big a jump and there is an interim step or two to take first.

By “dropping out of the mind”, I mean the intellect – that constant stream of mind chatter which is the source of all of our problems. As we relax our way out of the mind, we connect with who we truly are, and the place where we have access to our dream life, which includes perfect health.

In truth, all healing has happened, now. And our job is not to battle anything or to heal anything – it is to tune ourselves into this place or “channel’ where we can reveal that healing. This is easier said than done and requires practice. But it is doable for everyone.

There is no such thing as an incurable illness

Dr Bernie Seigel, author of Love, Medicine and Miracles,  said “there is no incurable illnesses, only incurable people”. There has never been an illness that was 100% fatal to everyone it affected- not ever. So the term “incurable” is a generalisation and only means that a certain body of people don’t know what to do about it. With the internet, the great thing about this is we can go researching those people who did come through it – and we can find out what they did. Rather than researching our symptoms and worrying ourselves – we can research healing success stories.

There is no one way to healing

What the people who successfully healed did is less about the specific actions they took or the particular healing approach – but that they found something that relaxed them and gave them peace of mind. Sometimes it takes very complicated things to influence our connection (which is what the feeling of relaxation and peace of mind indicates) – and sometimes it doesn’t. It all depends on the person- and that is why there is no one way to healing, physically speaking. For some it’s distracting with watching comedy movies. For others it’s acupuncture – or conventional medicine. It’s whatever causes you to relax; to drop out of the intellect and into the Real Self. Whatever causes you to “surrender” into the healing that is already here.

Why western medicine still gets results

The problem with “alternative” approaches is in the name. Alternative to what? This label implies there is a  “real” approach – namely medicine – out there. The thing is, conventional (allopathic) medicine has still got the power in the psyche of many people, and if this is the case, then alternative approaches will continue to be a second choice due to the unconscious consensus that “it doesn’t really work like real medicine”. This is further emphasised with the name “complimentary” medicine – which disempowers these approaches further – by implying they are just a nice little addition to “real” medicine rather than having any power in themselves. If I’m honest, I’ve found this myself in the past when I’ve taken homeopathy etc, with Ibuprofin at the the ready “just in case it doesn’t work”. From the get-go my allegiance was with the medication and the other approaches are not given a chance. In other words, the alternative approach just wasn’t enough to soothe me out of worry and into confidence in the way that allopathic so often does. We trust conventional medicine more, and that’s my point. It’s the feeling of trust which is the power, rather than the individual actions.

For many, conventional medicine is all they can believe in. And that’s ok. For these people, they can’t let loose of putting conventional medicine at Number one, no matter how many Self-help books they’ve read about healing.

The success statistics for alternative healing are unsettling too – but remember that many people heal themselves and then just go back to their everyday life, so this doesn’t get reported. Plus, it has to be said that healing requires focus to let loose of thinking – which includes the beliefs of your culture and society that run deep.

Ultimately, as I said, it is less about what you do and more about how what you are doing makes you feel. Through meditation or similar, which gets you to listen to your intuition or inner guidance – you will discover the right path for you.

Denial

Another common mistake are those who turn a blind eye from their condition, terrified, but putting on a brave face. This is denial – pretending everything is ok when you know it’s not. It’s wishful thinking- and nothing good comes from this. Those people who cheerfully give up conventional treatment but are deep down terrified – forget about it. You really want to take the time to tune into you before making these kind of decisions.

“Miracle” healings do exist

I have seen what others would call miracles in healing. Not once – but a fair few times. And they have all happened when someone found a way to surrender; to let go; to “give up” if you will. But it was a “giving up” of thinking rather than a “giving up” of life. Surrender in this context means surrounding the mind chatter for something greater, not admitting defeat.

First steps: Make friends with where you are

The first step is to make peace with the condition, which sounds like the opposite thing you should do in a society that teaches us to battle illness. But the battle approach isn’t working. Going to war with a condition may give us a temporary surge of empowerment, but ultimately we will lose – as a battle against anything is a battle against Self. What we resist, persists. It may be understandable and even logical in why we would resist a condition we don’t want – but it just isn’t an effective tool in healing.

Good things about…

So your first step is to write down Good things about ___________ and write in whatever the health condition- or whatever unwanted situation in your life- is.

Your job is to find as many things as you can that are good, such as “This condition is evolving me to more wellness”, or as one client said to me “I met my husband through a retreat I went on to heal this condition”. This can be difficult, as our mind is so used to battling everything. But it really is true, that Love is the answer. And Love – and I’m including Self-Love in this too – is about finding the good in whatever we are focused on, not just the things we deem “good”. As we do this consistently we can let go of our struggles, conditions are given the space to transform, or we are guided to the perfect healing modalities for us, whatever they may be.

Healing Sanctuary

On Saturday April 30th as part of the Mind Body Spirit Festival in London, I will be presenting a free short talk and then a guided meditation. I look forward to seeing you there to explore these ideas further.

Being mindful: How less is more when it comes to meditation

51BHZz8H3sLI teach meditation wherever I go – it’s been a central part of my workshops since I started teaching. These days, you can’t go far in the new age without someone talking about something else: Mindfulness. 

This new approach to meditation has got its own teaching schools, accreditations, “best practice guides” and endless books and study manuals. There are 33 million results to the word on Google. It’s amazing to me how complex telling someone to “sit down and be quiet” (which is really all you need to know about meditation) – can get. But then again the mind can make a maze of complication out of absolutely everything- I should know, having over thought my way into addiction and severe depression in my teens and early twenties.

Meditation is about getting out of concepts, out of the mind and it’s stream of mind chatter- not further into it. The journey to Self-empowerment is about unlearning, not learning. And that’s where Mindfulness can go south.

I can normally identify the people who have studied Mindfulness at the beginning of my workshops: They think. A lot. They analyse, they are in their heads. Their minds are full, so to speak – there’s no question of that. Except that is the exact opposite effect mindfulness is supposed to create. 

‘Just be present’

The term Mindfulness is a bad translation of a Buddhist term- just as the approach itself can sometimes be a bad translation of Buddhism. It’s all about eating food slowly, observing thoughts, “being present”… It’s well intentioned – but, when misunderstood can be very dull and it doesn’t give you peace of mind- quite the opposite. It can become about thinking about everything in great detail, rather than reaching the state of ‘no thought’ that meditation is all about.

Being told to “just observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement” is absurd. How do you do this? That’s what I wanted to know, when I first heard this concept. Initially, I tried (and failed) to do this and thought I was missing something. Then I met everyone else who were having the same problem. Including certain mindful teaches themselves. Who can do that? The moment you “try to not judge” – you judge. That’s how the mind works. The thoughts avalanche in and, yes, your mind is seriously full, so to speak.

“Being present” is another of those catchphrases that is overused, totally impractical – and utterly useless. In fact, as soon as you try to be present – you’ve lost it. You are in your intellect and lost in overthinking. You go to war with yourself – and that signifies the tormented look on the faces of some of the Mindfulness people I’ve seen. It’s hard work – and it doesn’t work.

Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie are teachers who I respect, and are often quoted by this mindfulness movement- as they are great examples of what the Mindfulness people are trying to themselves achieve.  The thing is Eckhart and Byron didn’t do any of these mindfulness practices; they didn’t “try to be” mindful. And that’s an important point. Something happened to them – which awakened them to the mindful state. It wasn’t a technique that did it – but a perceptual shift; an instantaneous enlightenment. This is worth bearing in mind when you waste your time “trying to be” mindful.

From mindfulness to meditation

Rather than “simply observing your thoughts” – which gets you to chase each and every one and analyse it- you want to find a focal point, be that a mantra or a sound. You want to move your focus to that until you are dropped into your Real Self; that in-the-zone state that exists in a constant state of, yes, mindfulness, if you want to call it that.

Osho said that when you meditate, you become mindful, automatically. You can’t make it happen –  and starting with mindfulness without an authentic meditation practice doesn’t work so well, if at all. If you try to become mindful, it’s kind of like trying to sleep – it  doesn’t work. It makes you think more, not less. It makes you go a tiny bit crazy with thoughts.

So you lie down and sleep happens. It’s the same with meditation and mindfulness. It just happens.

Of course this is just my experience – for all I know there are hundreds of Mindfulness practitioners experiencing calmness of mind – but in my experience it can get overly-theoretical and impractical. But then again so much of spirituality can.

Osho went on to teach focal point meditation, just as I do, knowing that it drops you into mindfulness – or rather mind-emptiness (which is surely more like it).

Meditation doesn’t happen by reading about meditation. It’s really quite simple- and reading yet another book about meditation is often just another excuse to delay meditation, kind of like going on yet another gym induction rather than just getting on with it.

Perhaps it’s time to put the books down and stop over-studying.  Go to the gym. Get yourself a dynamic hobby. Sit down and meditate with a mantra or by focusing on a sound. Move your body- dance- or drop down and do 50 push ups, for example. Less is more when it comes to meditation, and your access point is to getting in your zone is to do something that gets you out of the mind, not further into it.

On the Edge of Adventure: A new way of looking at challenging times

Fascinating-lighthouseA good adventure story has it all – twists, turns, drama, excitement and triumph. One thing’s for sure – it’s not dull. And neither are these times we are living in.

Climbing Everest is an adventure – but if you are unprepared, I’m guessing it would be a nightmare. Same with these times. It’s the Everest of times – meaning these are great times to be living in if you “get it” and it can seem pretty unpleasant if you don’t.

Throughout history, there have been many times like this; and within each one, amidst the darkness, there have been great lights and great movements and moments – almost like parallel worlds going on.

So when the world seems a little temperamental to say the least – there are simultaneously great times to be had – blessings in disguise – when you know how to tune in.

Manifesting the best of times

Manifest means “reveal” – it doesn’t mean “create”. So many people use the word “manifest” as a way to try to fix things – but “trying to fix” just keeps things the same. Like a radio playing all kinds of stations, manifesting your ideal world is about tuning in rather than changing or fixing. And there’s a big difference. One way works – and the other doesn’t.

The world you want is here now. Not “when we sort this situation out” or “when everyone is peaceful” – it’s right now, awaiting you to tune in to it. 

Meditation is one of the best ways to tune into the channel that you want to experience – and thus experience the world you want. And there are many ways to meditate. I’m not talking about denial: It’s perfectly possible to watch one channel without denying another; it’s a matter of choice.

Accepting what’s happening

If your mind is spinning with fearful thoughts, from what you’ve just read in the newspaper or whatever, it can be very hard to “let go” into meditation. And that is why there’s a step to do first of all: Turning to face the situation, exactly as it is.

So let’s face what has happened in the world that you don’t feel good about – whatever it is that comes to mind. What has happened, has happened.

I’m not trying to hide from what’s going on – nor am I trying to trivialise disasters. But worrying about the state of the world doesn’t help the world. Never has and never will. When something is happening that you clearly have no control over – you have to turn within to control the only thing you really can control – which is your focus. And your focus determines your world.

The message in these times is about realising we cannot control everything. Or anything, in fact. That sounds scary to the “thinking” mind – and it is. But feel for the truth behind it, and it becomes a sanctuary; a blissful relief.

Things are getting big now, the stakes are getting higher – encouraging us to say “ok, I get it” and surrender. Surrendering doesn’t mean we “give in” – it means we realise our thinking mind is not capable of anything much – except ruining our experience of the game of life – and surrender that approach to living.

When we drop below the cloud cover of thinking, we reveal our Real Self mind; the source of right ideas, insights, a mind that communicates not in mind chatter but in instinct, intuition and knowing. We get clarity and see things clearly. This is the meaning of the times – to encourage us to become our Real Selves.

So. Firstly you want to face how you feel right now:

Good things about… feeling fear

I should be feeling fear because I am

I’m sure I’m not the only one – it’s a normal human reaction

This fear is evolving me to more fearlessness like a workout

This mood is sure to pass like all storms…

And you will find many more of your own.

Good things about… the world situation

People are coming together. Never before have people from so many different backgrounds come together. There is a golden age of peace hidden behind this facade of drama.

It’s forcing me to stay present and in this Now moment It’s waking me up to live my life fully. I feel more alive

It’s waking me up from pettiness and what just doesn’t matter…

You will find many more of your own. As you find ways to see the good in a situation, the situation loosens it’s grip on you and your perception shifts to a brighter and more accurate one.

Tune to your guidance

The most powerful thing we have is our inner guidance. In this era of information overload, which information do we trust? When we go within, we connect with our guidance which knows what to do. When we are tuned to it, we are in the right place at the right time and we know what to do.

Meditation gets us in touch with our guidance. I recommend spending time each day in meditation- whatever your method is – giving you space to be attuned to this source of accurate information.

What to do to align with the times

  • Turn off the news when you feel overwhelmed. The news is an opinion, and if you are not feeling good when watching it, it’s an “off” opinion.
  • Rather than “trying not to think about things” – which doesn’t work, because “what you resist, persists” – face whatever situation is on your mind (including your current mood) and try to look for something good in it. This will allow you to let go authentically, experience a shift in your perception – and you will be open to solutions and new insights.
  • Find a new positive interest or hobby – and choose one that is more dynamic than the pull of the current drama your mind is focused on.
  • Make meditation a daily habit
  • Physical exercise, too, is a great way to get out of thinking and into your natural instincts and intuition; your supreme inner guidance.

Going beyond patterns to find peace and empowerment within challenging relationships

10446193185_8519af2f43_b-1024x765The “anxious attachment” (known as partner A in this article) type of person I spoke about in my last article, are often leaders, natural counsellors and professional advisors to others. Understandably so, as they have a warm and caring, trustworthy nature and deep wisdom that belies their years.

In a relationship, partner B can sometimes feel like they are being fixed all the time, when all partner A is trying to do is heal their partner, well meaningly.

Partner A is sometimes paid for their advice in a professional capacity – so they feel rejected and shocked when their partner gets irritated with them. They see it as a personal rejection, in fact; another sign that “they’re not good enough”.

Although it’s totally understandable why this “bright light” partner would want to fix their loved one – after all it may be their day job, and they are probably accurate about what their partner needs – this approach doesn’t work. The problem is only the individual themselves can make their changes. This attempt to fix doesn’t work – the partner must make the effort to do their own inner work. Partner A’s carry their partners and it doesn’t work for anyone! It is well intentioned, but it doesn’t work.

Loving not analysing

As much as Partner A-types make great psychoanalysts – this isn’t actually their main purpose. Although they are often great with words and thoughts – their real gift and purpose is beyond words and beyond the intellect; it’s to shine the light; it’s to love, which is beyond vocabulary. This is unconditional love, “loving outwards” no matter what. It is simplicity, almost zen like. It is the opposite of what educational institutions classify as “intelligence”, in fact.

Overthinking is actually what gets the partner A into the most trouble. Their solution and key to their connection is to relax into that loving space, which is beyond thoughts, where the power centre is. You can’t think and love at the same time – as I  said, partner A is more naturally a lover than they are a thinker.

Love is empowerment

Partner A is a lover and a light. That is what we all are in our aligned state. Don’t be tricked by the call of your own mind that the other person, like your partner, “doesn’t deserve it”. You’d be right – they probably don’t – but you do. Being Partner A is who you are, like a lighthouse, and being a lighthouse is therefore your key to happiness and all your dreams coming true. Anything less that that will feel off to you because it is off.

Take the focus off them

Yes, the other person can’t handle emotion and is not doing the work. That’s for them to work out. Stay in your own lane and focus on being you – not trying to manage them. Think of an actual lighthouse: It isn’t so much focused on the individual ships, it just tends to its flame and radiates. This, too, is your focus.

More shining; less talking

Softness is strength. Hardness is weak. Hear that. Feel that. Silence is power, sometimes, too, as lighthouses are known for their eloquent conversation- but can also not know when to stop! They feel bad… And then keep talking. The more their partner withdraws, in fact, the more they want to talk. They go on and on. It’s shining not talking that you want to focus on; more loving, less thinking.

Run your own race

Why would a champion athlete go on a run with an amateur fun runner? The amateur fun runner is not “wrong” – they’ve just got a different intention, a different training schedule. They don’t need to be hated. You don’t need to write angry songs about them… Just run with a champion. Hang out with champions. Stick to your own.

Anyone can be a champion. It’s not like you’re discriminating here.  It’s simple really. Let the slow swimmers swim in the slow lane. Don’t make them wrong for it- just leave them be and swim with the champions.

Your dream life is to be found at an Olympic pace – and nowhere else. Don’t slow – keep on running.

I remember getting a vision where I felt so dragged down by a relationship – that I was underwater fighting to get to the surface and my partner, tied to me, was doing nothing – in fact, I was being pulled down deeper. I got the image of cutting the rope that bound us together – realising the choice was at this point we both sink or I save myself.  The thing is, when we free the other, we are both free. We both have the choice to kick into swimming. And by being bound together, the other has no reason to use their muscles. So whereas for years I found this image bleak, stuck between a rock and a hard place, now I know me focusing on my race is win-win for all. Shining brighter is the only choice.

There is a fear that if partner A states their needs, partner B will reject them. What I would say is, if they are going to reject you, they will anyway. In these new energy relationship dynamics, nothing beats straight communication. Stating clearly who you are is your best option, as is shining brighter no matter what; running your best race.

Relationship dynamics: How to shine brighter in an “abusive” relationship

pexels-photo-139408I have met a lot of successful, beautiful, kind, loving, honest, highly eligible people who were being treated badly in a relationship – often by a partner who isn’t living up to any of these qualities. It made no sense to me- why would the seemingly “less eligible” partner do this, when you’d think they’d be counting their lucky stars to have landed such a perfect partner. And why doesn’t the partner who “has it all” just up and leave?

“What’s going on here?”, I thought, as I started meeting more and more people in this situation, “There is clearly an attraction holding these two together.”

What do I mean by being treated badly?

He doesn’t compliment, but constantly criticises. Threatens to leave the relationship/marriage, going into addictive behaviours rather than sharing intimacy. He gives the silent treatment even when he knows his partner is suffering due to no communication. It’s a familiar pattern that often confuses people. And nearly every time, rather than absolutely not putting up with it, the “abused” partner starts believing she’s not good enough; not attractive enough, that it’s all her fault (which is exactly what he usually tells her).

Understandably, the “abused” partner (who we will call Partner A)  then starts to feel terrible. And then he (who we will call partner B) brings on the attack at her for feeling bad. “See,” he says. “You’re messed up. You’re needy. There’s something wrong with you. You’re lucky to have me”. This is where the power trip really starts, in fact. This weakness is an “in” for the partner to really go for it with his attack.

Why on Earth would someone do this?

Labels

Some people like to label this type of person – partner A would be described as “anxiously attached” and partner B as “avoidant” – but I’m not going to get into these descriptions. There is a lot written about this, but in my experience, labels can be counterproductive. Labels separate people and make the problem worse: After all, say you label your partner – then what? You’ve still got the problem, but now you have a label for it. In fact the label just gives you an excuse to justify your pain and to be the “good guy” – it doesn’t change anything. At the end of the day we are dealing with people here, not labels.

In a different league?

So putting labels aside, I have my own understandings:

The thing is the “abusive” partner (partner B) has often been talked about (or in some cases, told directly) that they are lucky to have their partner and that their partner is in a different league from them. Often friends have joked about this – in any case it’s understood and often self-evident at the difference in lifestyles of the two. This must be hard to take, especially if partner B has deep insecurities. And deep down, they feel a deep feeling of unworthiness.

What’s going on is that the more connected “bright light” partner A illuminates her partner’s terribly low self-worth and rather than being proud and appreciative – he wants to extinguish the light in her in the hope of extinguishing his own pain.

It makes no sense logically – and this is where the confusion comes in. It makes no sense, just as it makes no sense for someone to run a key down the side of a top of the range sportscar. In both cases, it’s a self-hating declaration of “if I can’t be this, no one will”.

This is how bullies operate. They want to destroy the person who reminds them of what they believe they could never be. It’s envy, plain and simple.  

On a power-trip

The more the partner B sees their partner in pain, the more they ramp up their power-trip behaviour – retreating into silence, subconsciously knowing this withdrawal will get the partner “even more into them”. They also constantly remind their partner what is wrong with her, to keep her in victim mode. Partner B’s greatest fear is that his partner becomes empowered, as he believes if this happens then he will be abandoned. Because he feels he has little to offer, this kind of manipulation is what he sadly feels is his only way to keep hold of the relationship.

The shock of being with a partner who seems to want to destroy you seems frightening. It also seems unbelievable – but it’s not. This is how the bully gains a false sense of power – it’s like when you cry your partner is strangely satisfied; you “need” them and that gives them a temporary sense of power.

Confusion

The confusing things about partner B, due to their less expressive nature, is that they give the impression of being “together” and even having fairly good self worth. But inside they are full of insecurity and self-hatred. Partner B’s way of dealing with problems is to withdraw behind a facade of “looking good” perfection.

When your partner is envious of you, it’s confusing and we often don’t see it, instead thinking we are not good enough. Some men get threatened by beauty and power – when they feel they cannot live up to it.  It’s the classic self-sabotage – the dream relationship arrives, and his fear wants to destroy it.

The problem comes in when the “abused” partner takes it personally- and becomes a victim. So instead: Stay in your Power

What I would say to the partner A, is to stay in your power: Keep on shining. You probably have many knee-jerk ways to give up your power – such as get into trying to fix your partner or change yourself to “be better”. This is all a trick – and it’s a waste of time. The solution is to realise your greatness, now.

Your shining isn’t just for you. Think of how a lighthouse supports all those around it.

Don’t drop your standards and go running for “breadcrumbs”

I remember when a polite text message would be enough to have a friend running back to an abusive relationship. Then another friend told her to not be tempted by “breadcrumbs”. In other words, if someone wanted her back, they could make more of an effort rather than to have her dimming her light and accepting mediocrity.

And so you may want to reconsider immediately replying to a single “nice” text message after a barrage of abuse, or other such knee jerk, desperate reactions. Pause. Count to ten. Wait for guidance.

You don’t have to go cold turkey – in the meantime I would suggest you start writing lists of appreciation on men who have attractive, self-loving qualities. This isn’t about choosing unappealing “boring but nice guys” – but empowered, real men – who would be naturally generous with their love; a fellow bright light.

Withdraw from situations where you are banging on the door and getting no response. By stepping out of this power play, the whole thing collapses.

Reclaiming our power

As we condemn, we are condemned – feeling superior to another doesn’t help: So it’s not about judgement but rather understanding. From this understanding we can realise what it is we need to do: Step into our self-confidence.

The way to get through this situation for both is that partner B learns to love himself – and shine brighter – and so does partner A: she needs to keep on shining no matter what, not going into that default of dimming her light.

The answer is to keep on shining – in practical terms keep on appreciating, meditating, centring into your power.

We don’t have to decide if they are a match or they are not – Life will sort that out

Like a professional runner running with an amateur – partner B will step up their game and catch up – or not. When partner A “gets it” – they’ll either “get it” too and catch up – or partner A will outrun them and another, better matched partner will appear. The key is to keep our focus on our race.

A final and important note to the partner A’s who are feeling abused in all this: Don’t take it personally. This is not about you but about his inability to make the relationship work; he simply doesn’t know what to do; he’s out of his depth and like someone who can’t swim panicking in deep waters, thrashes out all over the place creating chaos. No matter how calm he looks – that’s what’s going on under the surface. All you can do is sustain yourself and then he may or may not catch up.

What I would say to both partners: Both require self-love and self-approval

Of course, in truth, this relationship is not a mismatch at all – but the perfect match which has come about not as punishment, but as a gift of potential awakening for both partners. No one partner is better than the other, both are in pain and both are actually more similar than it initially appears and the perfect mirror for one another: Even though the behaviours are vastly different – both require the same healing: self-love and self-approval. But only they individually can give it to themselves. No one can be forced to do this; Both have to decide to do this by themselves and then put in the work to achieve it.

And then, both partners will come into their full power. Both will wake up in their own way – perhaps the “abused” partner A will realise her self worth and gravitate to more nurturing relationships and the “abuser” (partner B), now loving himself, will become more nurturing and feel worthy of a loving relationship. Both will feel good, be more loving – and able to sustain loving, trusting, intimate relationships. Perhaps with one another, in time.

Meeting your twin flame

When one relationship chapter is over and you dwell on them you’ll find you feel drained – which will make you think you miss them as they are. But that’s the trick: It’s like kryptonite in the film Superman. The thought may be compelling, but it feels depleting. You will discover that the impulse to miss them only happens at times when you are feeling off-centre; it’s like a drug craving rather than a genuine excitement or love of something.

Get a hobby you can get passionate about; shine brighter. Realise how many amazing men their are out there, waiting for you to align and be brought together. Use this episode as an excuse to step up and be the light you were born to be and then, before you know it, and often when you’re least looking for it, you’ll turn round and there will be, quite literally, your “twin flame”; another bright light and the perfect match. It may be your current partner made anew, or it may not. But either way, you will have exactly the relationship you want.

New You- New Focus

IMG_8082In the beginnings of a new year, symbolically and historically, it’s a time many people make an intention to change. And yet every day is a new beginning, every moment. And so whenever you are reading this: Now is the time for change.

Change requires a certain kind of effort

When you are beginning a new habit, you may experience strong resistance to doing it. And that’s normal, as your old habits start trying to pull you back. In many ways, starting is the hardest part. Like a shuttle breaking out of the Earth’s atmosphere, a huge thrust is needed at the beginning to ‘break through’ into the new. Then it becomes easier, as you find the rhythm of the new habit.

Many people quit at this point and go back to their old ways. That’s why it’s notorious that the gyms are packed full in January and empty in February. Sure, people intended to continue but that intention wasn’t enough. Effort is needed in the beginning stages, particularly.

When as babies we learn to walk, we stumble and then we get back up stronger. So there’s nothing wrong with a few false starts. However, just as starting to dig a mineshaft for gold- and then stopping and starting somewhere else five minutes later- will take forever to get to the gold, we want to allow ourselves our humanity and yet also be consistent. With commitment, or discipline, the path is much shorter than we will have thought. Commitment or discipline is the secret.

No going back

The Vikings burned their boats at the shore of a new land they were about to conquer. There was no going back to their old ways. And this is how we want to be with our intentions or resolutions. No excuses, 100%, All or nothing. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere- follow through will get you what you want, and faster than you think.

Focus

The teacher Seth said that “you get what you concentrate on, there is no other rule”.

What Seth is saying here: focus: requires a disciplined mind. To do this requires a lot of practice. Because when most people first hear this line in all its many forms, they get panicky. Reading positive thinking books isn’t enough. To an undisciplined mind, this wisdom can become counterproductive; the moment most people hear it they automatically start fighting their fears until they get lost in a fearful cloud of overthinking, desperately trying to focus on what they want whilst inadvertently becoming obsessed about what they don’t want:

I remember someone telling me that she bought a popular ‘Law of Attraction’ DVD for a friend who was depressed. After a few weeks, she asked how her friend was doing with it. The friend answered, sarcastically, “Well before you bought me the film I was depressed. Now I’m depressed and frightened.” This person was lost in depression- and now was being told that these depressing thoughts were going to ‘do bad things’. Or that’s how she understood it.

And so, a disciplined and clear mind is essential before we learn to focus. Discipline and commitment again- the secret to working with the Law of Attraction as I said.

Once you use discipline to clear your mind, you drop into your Real Self that automatically moves into focus on what you want. By using your effort in this way, to break through into your Real Self perspective, focus becomes effortless.

So what to do?

Firstly, we want to meditate.

Then, we want to practice dwelling, again and again, on all the good in our lives.

And

Third step: Now you can focus and concentrate on what you want- this becomes an effortless and natural thing to do.

Good luck with your changes: Keep on going- and come along to one of my events to learn more.

Feeling low? It’s not for the reason you think

feeling lowYou may think the reason you feel bad is that you don’t like your body. Or it could be a bad relationship or grief from a relationship breakup. Or that you don’t like your job and don’t know what your life purpose is.

But it’s none of these reasons.

You may have tried everything to fix your problem… And nothing’s working.

It’s because your problem isn’t what you think is.

When I asked someone who was sad about losing a deal if he was always happy before this event- he paused to get his mind of this latest drama and then remembered- of course he wasn’t. The mind moves from one arrangement of drama to another. Different people different places; different situations and scripts. Same feeling. The problem isn’t the details of what’s going on- you have to look beyond that. It’s that you’ve fallen asleep to right thinking; you’re temporarily out of your right mind. 

There’s a real trick of the mind that says if the problem would sort itself out; if he would come back or she would change or a job would be better; if the furniture would rearrange– I’d be happy. But without being in a happy mindset- which means a mind free of unpleasant thoughts-  all the money, love and ‘stuff’ in the world will do nothing to make us happy.

So it’s not about fixing a faulty situation; it’s about shifting to a mindset the works.

If you stay in the lower-level mindset looking for answers, it can get ever more complex. It can be a seemingly endless nightmare. You can move from one book to another; one course to another. Turning over the problem again and again in your mind looking for the solution. But the solution is not here to be found- you’re looking in (or thinking from) the wrong place.

Getting back into connection

When you’re in a low mood the mind goes on at you telling you you have to do something- and fast. Go somewhere else, do somewhere else- the message is always about moving your body somewhere else. But this achieves nothing. You just go somewhere else and end up feeling just as bad, if not worse, because “yet another thing” didn’t work. This is like watching the horror movie channel and then being confused when horrific content comes onto the TV screen.

Or it’s the difference between rummaging through junk in a bargain basement versus getting in the life and going to a floor with things you do like. You can spend years searching the bargain basement and not find what you want. What you want is not there.

Finding the place where the solution is

Meditation, physical exercise and taking a nap are all ways which can help you be retuned back to feeling like you again; the place where all solutions reside, awaiting your return.

In the Greek tale of the Minotaur, the hero Theseus was given a golden thread so he could feel his way out of darkened maze; a maze that symbolises the nightmare the “lower self” mind can be.

Meditation or other techniques which allow you to step back from your mind is the ‘golden thread’ to find your way home; to find your way back to your path; back into connection again.

So in truth there’s only one problem – we’re disconnected. And what’s the only one solution to this only one problem – to connect again. Simple.

But it takes focus to drop into that place, ignoring the chatter, temptations and criticism of the lower-level mind, whose suggestions never lead to happiness- and that’s where the practices I teach come in.

Being sensitive is not a bad thing

Pain means we’re out of our right mind – it’s an indicator that lets us know that we’re out of sync with ourselves; and we can feel this.

One great thing about intense pain is it can force you to give up your way of trying to rearrange the furniture and surrender the faulty mind altogether. That is why we hear often that those really low moments that some people call “rock bottom” were the best things that ever happened to them.

We can often go on for a long time suffering slightly – but it is in these rock bottom moments that we are forced to breakthrough into right-mindedness; where a new beginning awaits.

Integrity is personal power

characterIntegrity makes the man (or woman)

All those we admire and want to be or be with have integrity. Someone who has loyalty, honour, commitment and honesty has the most attractive qualities- yet they are not always the easiest to live by and need developing.

Every ‘blockbuster’ movie has a hero with integrity. He’s the guy everyone in the audience wants to be or be with. Integrity is putting the Golden rule of ‘treating others how you want to be treated’ into action.

Integrity to me doesn’t mean following a set of guidelines ‘out there’; set by somebody else. It means following your own inner values and being open about who you are, being who you say you are. Having integrity means you are someone others know where they stand with.

I read this definition which makes sense to me:

“Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the quality of having an intuitive sense of honesty and truthfulness in regard to the motivations for one’s actions.  Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of hypocrisy, in that it regards internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.

The word “integrity” stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity is the inner sense of “wholeness” deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character.   As such, one may judge that others “have integrity” to the extent that one judges whether they behave according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.”

From Wikipedia

Integrity is a gift to yourself

What’s all this got to do with the Law of Attraction? Everything- because you don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are. Be a clear, straightforward person and you will experience a clear, straightforward life. 

Life goes a lot easier for yourself when you have integrity. There’s no wasted energy having to remember what lies you told- and it’s a lot easier to love yourself when you trust yourself with others.

Another truth is we tend to think everyone else is like us. So if we are trustworthy, we can more easily trust others- and even attract others into our lives who are, like us, people with integrity. Because we’ve all heard the phrase ‘birds of a feather flock together’. There is no getting away from the truth that we are all connected; there is no escaping the fact that as we treat others, we treat ourselves. So being kind and honest is actually a very self-loving thing to do. You may be able to trick another for so long but you can’t trick your own heart; you can’t trick Life.

Integrity in relationships

Having integrity in romantic relationships doesn’t mean you’re forced into choosing one type of relationship. Integrity isn’t about following a strict rule someone else has suggested- and that’s what people sometimes don’t always understand. There are many kinds of relationship agreements in all cultures- committed or dating several partners; married to more than one person even. Having integrity simply means you are clear with your partner of what kind of relationship you are in with them; you don’t ‘sneak around’ and pretend to be something you’re not, which can disconnect you. Lying also plays havoc with the other person’s intuitive ‘guidance system’ and faith in themselves- it’s a very destructive and unloving to do.

It’s about honesty, which gives you honour. ‘Cheating’ on the other hand has less to do with what someone is doing with their body and more about the deception; it’s about lying and lack of integrity; it’s about ‘cheating’ on a contract you have agreed to with another person.

Again the Golden rule, ask yourself: ‘Would I like to be treated how I am treating this person?’ Easy. How much more simple can it get?

To the ‘lower level’ (ego) mind being upfront and honest may seem like a lack of freedom- but this isn’t true. Giving (and therefore gaining) this kind of trust in intimate relationships is the ‘scaffold’ that allows a sense of freedom to flourish. Once both partners feel relaxed, safe and trusting within an agreed commitment of integrity- passion is safe to be expressed; sexual intimacy becomes better; everything becomes better. What little sacrifice there appears to be is no sacrifice at all.

Integrity is the winning formula

Like all good things in life, living a life of integrity requires commitment. ‘Nice guys finish last’ but those with integrity triumph every time. ‘Nice’ can imply being a people-pleaser or a doormat- whereas having nothing to hide makes someone the opposite of this; empowered and respected by all.

Oh, it may look like the person with integrity is not winning initially;  that the person who has integrity is ‘just a fool’ being walked on by others- but Life has a way of balancing out. Lacking integrity has a high price to pay- it always comes back to the person in some way or another.

Being an honest person who ‘says what he means and means and he says’ takes a decision and then a follow-though. Nothing has gone wrong if we are not living this way right now- we are all doing the best we can, and none of us are perfect. Sometimes we make mistakes- and that’s ok. It’s more than ok, it’s how we evolve- and a life experience of a lack of integrity evolves us to perhaps make another, more honest choice when we are ready. But remember being clear and open is not so much about being a ‘good person’ who others admire- although it will make you that. Integrity is a gift to yourself- and a vital ingredient to a happy life.

Feel like you’re missing out?

lightsThe grass is not greener: Why you’re not missing out in life

There’s this idea that we’re always “missing out” in life. That we always want to be somewhere else with someone else or even be someone else. I know I was like that- I ruined countless moments of a perfectly good life by wishing things could be different, totally oblivious to the fact that my life was more than good enough already, if only I’d taken the time to notice.

This is especially true nowadays – where certain social media sites offer us ways of trying to convince the world that we are good enough by posting well-lit and well-angled photos of us looking happy and attractive in the hope that everyone will see us as “perfect”. It can be competitive-  and it contributes more to stress than happiness.

Even when you are into the Law of Attraction or modern-day spirituality, you can continue this quest to be better, always looking for something else to “manifest” so that you can be happy one day. But that day never comes. If you can’t find happiness from right where you are, why do you think you will be able to do it in the future?

I learnt this in my own life:

In my early twenties when I worked in television, I freelanced on a particular job that got me into all the “in” events in London. Private celebrity parties with expensive champagne, VIP areas and private penthouses. I worked in high profile areas of news, politics and entertainment, mixing with a lot of well-known people. Was it good? Not really, because I wasn’t a happy person. I was “living the dream” but nothing had changed except I had even more things to worry about, including picking up some new addictions. Socialising in places where everyone was craving pleasure on the outside was not a pleasant place to be and even in my brief period in this lifestyle, I found myself seeking solace in drugs and alcohol. I had “manifested” my ideal life- except it wasn’t my ideal life. And I never met anyone whose ideal life it actually was.

I would see them across the pages of the tabloids. Their lives would look amazing, exciting, fantastic. They would look happy in the snapshots. It all looked so aspirational and what dreams are made of. Except I had been out on these nights and they were nothing like the newspapers had hyped them up to be. The club scene I found was repetitive and more about war than love; more about people winning and using other people-  though I continued going along, why? Because it was what everyone was doing.

I would say most of the celebrities I met who lived this kind of partying lifestyle were miserable, neurotic, stressed out and desperate to find connection. I became like that myself. And many of them used addiction to try to fill the gap and find inner peace. Of course that didn’t work. I was fortunate due to past experiences of addiction to not get too deep into it, but I saw a lot of people totally lost to it all.

I have nothing against anything people choose to do- and we find our own path, at the perfect time for us. I am certainly not trying to suggest there are ‘wrong’ choices, but even working within the media it was too easy to fall under the media’s illusions that your life is not enough and all the fun is happening elsewhere to everyone else. It’s depressing to be reading some of these stories, feeling not good enough. It’s also depressing when you “get there” and realise there’s nothing there either. It was a trick all along, like the Wizard of Oz.

What you want is right here

What everyone really wants is to feel connected; to feel great about themselves and life. That is why everyone has goals, in the hope that the new car or house or achievements will bring them this feeling. There are so many things that promise to give us that – be it drugs, celebrity, another job or a change of relationships. But it is just illusion; like tin foil to our magpie-like lower mind. Once you get it you realise it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Without a happy and clear minded mindset all the stuff in the world will not fill the void.

What you want is as likely to happen now as ever: It’s a shift in perception.What you want; how you want to feel, is playing on another channel and all the waiting in the world will not flick the channel. A shift of focus is what changes the channel.

Happiness is about giving not getting

Looking for something outside of yourself to give you happiness isn’t the way to get connected; it’s never enough. There is nothing wrong with this quest- and sometimes we have to make this detour to realise for ourselves the truth of life- perhaps it’s even a necessary research period for many of us. But ultimately we all realise that the outer world cannot satisfy us; it is in the appreciating the life we have, appreciating the people already in our lives and ourselves; giving to others and loving others that’s the key to happiness and the answer everyone’s looking for. Happiness is about what you are giving out rather than what’s coming back to you. And no matter where we are or what’s going on in our lives right now- we are in the perfect place to do this right here and now. There is no better place to be.

Living your best life: If not now, when?

dollarsPersonal development for so many people can be a constant “on their way” to getting a better life. The time ticks on. “Still no change but don’t worry- it’s coming…”

Let’s be honest- most of us have been here. I know I have. Endlessly studying a technique or theory which would help me be good enough next year- or at least in a few months. The problem with this approach is it doesn’t work and here’s why: you don’t enjoy your life right now (which is where life is always at)- and you also don’t get what you want. Tom Cruise was a Hollywood actor before he was a Hollywood actor; his early acting teacher explains he behaved like a star way before he was one. And that is the secret- be it visualising, doing something you enjoy, whatever- you want to find a way to enjoy your life now; be your best self now. Because, as they say, tomorrow never comes.

Being your best self now is not to get you anything- it’s because it’s natural; it’s the real you. Who cares what it will get you (when what everyone wants is to feel great now). But it will get you more, even though you won’t need more.

If you are looking at a rich lifestyle from the outside; daydreaming about it from afar- you’re not feeling rich, you’re a fan of the rich. You’re playing “let’s pretend” and it’s fancy dress. You are beautiful now… or you’re not. There’s no in-between. “On your way” is a myth. What makes you think the shift into the new belief is going to happen tomorrow?

Your ideal life is Now

The life you think you want- the dream partner, dream house, dream job- is just a feeling away. I’m not talking about experiencing it in solid form, but realising it now in feeling.

Going to sleep in your bed at night could just as easily be in your dream house in Kensington as where you currently are (it’s dark and a bed is a bed). You don’t want to imagine yourself in bed- you want to feel yourself in your dream life Now. You could also feel your partner next to you, Now.

In this way, you can get the feeling of it happening- and thus get full satisfaction right now. This is true visualisation.

Creating your best life is mostly about relaxing into your present moment- I repeat this again and again and its too simple for most people who think it must be something more complicated. You can relax now into the Reality of your ideal life- or struggle. It’s your choice. But to be fair, it doesn’t always feel like a choice, especially when you’ve got some thought habits going on.

Mind the gap

True visualisation has no gap between “where I am and where I want to be”. The rich get richer- why is that? Because they are already rich. And being rich is a feeling; it’s a state of mind.

When you feel good, drop into your centre where your dream life is happening- now. In this space there is no gap and no thought- just an absolute knowing.

You are amazing now- just as you are. You are already that which you want to be. It’s less about “adding on” or “bettering yourself” to make you more amazing –  and more about dropping the layers of garbage which cover your greatness- and dropping into the mindset which exists now, where you know how amazing you are and are being that, Now. What are you waiting for?

For more information see the relaxation/visualisation audio download Envision: Relax into your Ideal Life.