Embracing Emotions Unconditionally

I used to wake up every day and my mood was fine for about two seconds, then I’d crash into feeling low and immediately begin fighting it. I was in a storm of overthinking and it seemed like it was my entire life. Not only did I feel awful, but I would beat myself up for feeling awful, which was particularly emphasised by all the positive thinking books I was reading. It was fighting against the feelings that was more the problem than the feelings themselves – but it took me years to realise that.

All Emotions Are Equal

So many books and even mental health practices try to fix, heal or change thoughts and feelings too soon, missing out the vital step of acceptance. It’s often well-intentioned but sometimes gets people to feel they’re doing something wrong by feeling low. There are people who categorize some emotions as good and some as bad – and I get where they are coming from – but this just adds to the resistance when you are feeling bad. And, in fact, this attitude of always trying to feel better can be one of the main things that keep us stuck. When we meet with lower emotions it can be particularly intense and rather than embrace, we panic and fight the mood which keeps us trapped. The resistance keeps you in those very feelings you don’t want to be in and it’s an unpleasant cycle. So the first vital step is accepting where you are.

How I Dealt With My Depression

Going back to my depression: Gradually – and I mean years later – after trying all the different ways to fight my lowness, I accepted that in morning the chances of me waking up and then immediately feeling low was close to 100%, based on the fact I’d been doing that every day for months. This actually gave me relief: My choice wasn’t to wake up depressed or not – it (1) was to be OK with the low feelings or (2) to keep on fighting them. It was the disappointment that I felt low again that was so difficult ; every day meeting that sinking feeling of “not again”. So instead, I prepared for the arrival of the feelings in the morning like meeting an expected guest. When those familiar thoughts flew at me like a swarm – I’d say “oh I’ve been expecting you”.

The Gift of All Emotions

What can make it a lot easier to accept the negative thoughts and emotions is to realise that there is a positive in all thoughts and emotions, even the so-called negative ones. The way I see it is the intense thoughts and feelings evolve what you want like the intensity of a good gym session. In my work I teach that negative overthinking can be like a workout – so there’s resistance but there’s also corresponding evolution. Also, an idea helped that perhaps that these thoughts weren’t thoughts coming at me but thoughts from within being released like a detox. This was another soothing shift in perception.

By doing that thing of facing and then embracing what was bothering me, the thoughts let go of me. It was the incessant resisting and fighting against thoughts that got me stuck in them.

What To Do When Low Moods Return

Sometimes when we’ve done the inner work to make our life better, returning to the lower emotions can seem particular bad. It’s like we thought we were over them, and we’re back to where we started and nothing actually worked. But we haven’t gone backwards at all. Firstly, this tension is part of life which, like the gym, equates to our evolution. And secondly, all that’s happened is we’ve tuned sideways – like turning a radio knob to the left. We haven’t gone backwards – we can just retune. And when we do get back on track, we are in so much of a better place thanks to the tune out (or “weightlift”) that we’ve just had.

When I felt low, years later, I reminded myself: “It’s OK to feel how I feel”. I walked around repeating this like a manta and it became one of the mantras I am known for. I reminded myself that there are no bad thoughts and emotions, and it’s ok to experience them. I opened my arms to all of them.

I reminded myself that I love feeling how I feel. Maybe this is evolving me, or a detox? It’s getting me to listen to these nostalgic songs that I’m quite into. Many people feel this all the time – I’m blessed I moved through it. Maybe it’s to remind me to share my work far and wide, as there’s so many people who need it. I continued with this acceptance and authentic distraction.

And then, the click happened, and the thoughts and feelings let go of me leaving me feeling better again.

Michael James is the author of Emotional First Aid and Feel Better, No Matter What which are both published by Watkins Publishing.