A Year of Being More You

What if I told you that you didn’t need to work on yourself any more – that you didn’t need any more personal development because you’re already personally developed enough to live your best life? Instead, the secret you are looking for is not to change or fix yourself, but to be yourself, just as you are. There is no ‘self-improvement’ needed – it’s more about self-expression. It’s time to really start being yourself, and my new book, Feel Better, No Matter What – A 4-Week Course to Love the Life You Have Right Now, will show you how.

I’m really excited to release this book, which contains some very effective tools and insights which I’ve developed over a decade – tools which help you to feel good no matter what’s going on – some of them published here for the first time. It’s a very accessible book, perfect for those further along in their spiritual journey and newcomers alike. Feel Better, No Matter What shares what many people have told me is a radically new approach based on teachings from the over 600 workshops I’ve facilitated to date.

It’s less about trying to think positively, or force yourself to be something you’re not. It begins with total, unconditional self-acceptance – something most people read about more than they actually live – and shows you how to achieve that state, which I call your Real Self, more consistently. Through the tools and ideas, you will more easily navigate your way through those important areas of life including dating, body image concerns and health, and also be able to deal with those stressful times where previously, nothing seemed to help. This book feels to me like a trusted friend to help guide you through uncertain times, and is very timely with the intense, unusual year we’ve just had. Many books get people feeling their life isn’t good enough and they must manifest something better, but this rarely works. I will show you the missing link. At the centre of the book, there’s a whole 4-week course to guide you, step-by-step. It’s a really solid way to begin this new year.

When Enlightenment Isn’t Working

You’ve probably heard promises like this before. I know I did. Like many of you reading this magazine, I spent years buying books or attending workshops, looking for a way to feel better and to live my best life. I tried visualising what I wanted, letting go, forgiving people, raising my vibration, trying to love myself. But nothing was working the way the books suggested it would. I spent time with ‘enlightened’ gurus, which was at times entertaining and insightful, but didn’t change my life. I began to think there was something wrong with me. Social media, banners and bumper stickers told me everyone was constantly in a positive vibe. Everyone but me, it seemed. There’s so many different self help techniques these days – it can get overwhelming knowing where to start. Some of the books offered some good ideas and made me feel better, but when ‘real life’ happened, such as a relationship breakup plunging me into disappointment and despair, little helped.

Making Relationships Work

Whilst I’m on the subject of relationships, I’m really looking forward to share a brand new practice with you in this book, called the Relationship Trigger. I created this practice to directly deal with issues of abandonment, jealousy, insecurity and all those other intense emotions that come up in romantic relationships – as I couldn’t find anything which would help me in those times. I remember speaking with other life coaches and spiritual teachers and we agreed in the area of that relationship ‘stuff’, little helped. So, I set about finding a solution.

In short, I realized that much of the relationship pain people feel – which you can hear in the lyrics of some of the most popular love songs – is about abandoning yourself and instead choosing to focus on your partner’s life (and what they are doing) rather than your own. The negative feelings (whether they are jealousy, longing or a feeling of rejection) are actually the person within you crying out for attention, and nothing to do with the other person. And so, the way to soothe all these feelings is to give yourself the love you have been looking for.

This is good news. This is something that you can do, rather than wait for a change in behaviour from another person. It’s freeing, to say the least, and I explain it fully in my book. One-to-one clients who know about this process have told me how much it has soothed and empowered them, and that they’d buy the book for this alone.

Reimagined Techniques

Also in the book, I revisit a lot of classic self-help approaches which have caused confusion for some, such as meditation, gratitude lists and visualisation, and then introduce some of my never-before-published techniques that have previously only been available to my one-to-one clients. The Freedom Process is a revolutionary way to move beyond those blocks you can’t seem to let go of, whilst the Retrospective Process is a totally new way to see visualisation which is very powerful. As the name suggests, it’s about looking back as if what you want has already happened, rather than endlessly wishing for a better future like so many others have suggested. I also include scripts for two of my most popular guided journeys – for wellness and forgiveness – in this book.

I’ve been called a ‘teacher of teachers’ (by Abraham/Esther Hicks, who I interviewed several times in the early days) and my work has influenced many thought leaders and coaches, some of whom attended my Processes Group, a first-of-its-kind central London group which I started over ten years ago and inspired many with its unique, interactive format.

In many ways, my book brings together two of the biggest-selling concepts in modern day self-help: the subject of living in the moment, and the subject of manifesting your ideal future life. For a long time, these two ways of looking at life seemed to be incompatible – how can you desire what you want and visualise a better life for yourself, whilst also fully accepting the present moment? – but in this book I bring the ideas together effortlessly and show you how they are two sides of the same coin.

Not being better, but feeling better

At this time of year there can be a big rush to transform your life, to get rid of old habits and make everything amazing. Although this is a good intention, it can pile on the pressure and make things hard to begin. So, right now, you feel how you feel. Maybe you feel really good, and maybe you don’t. Either way, you are doing great. Even if you don’t see it that way – this book will show you how. The first step is to meet yourself with total, gentle, self-loving acceptance. And that’s what I will guide you in, page by page.

Despite what you may have read, there is nothing wrong with negative thinking. I have seen people at my groups or coaching sessions who are initially afraid of their thinking due to the Law of Attraction or positive thinking books they’ve read, and yet are unable to change their thoughts or simply ‘be positive’ as the books instruct. They end up feeling just as bad and worse. Before they were depressed, and now they are depressed and fearful about what they think the negative thoughts might be manifesting. This unhelpful and incorrect teaching has become rife in a lot of books, and I effectively debunk it in Feel Better, No Matter What. 

A step beyond positive thinking

I explain my philosophy, which explains the benefits of thinking – including the thinking that has been judged as ‘negative’. Rather than being about choosing to think positive thoughts, this book is about clearing all that mind chatter a way so that you can live your life as your Real Self. It’s less about getting rid of uncomfortable feelings or changing yourself and more about accepting, and even seeing the good, in them.

After doing this, you will find ways to develop confidence. Not just fleeting confidence, but a new state of being where you know your true worth. There are separate chapters about getting confident in all areas of your life: developing a good body image, health, dating, and family/colleague relationships. In these sections I share some of my best tips from over a decade of teaching.

It’s all about being more yourself in the world, no matter what ‘they’ think of you. This can be a challenge, but through the creative practices and centring mantras in my book I can show you how to take that clear-minded state into your daily life and stay within it all day long. It’s time for a genuinely new, best-ever year.

Feel Better, No Matter What – A 4-Week Course to Love the Life You Have Right Now (Watkins Publishing) is Out Now

Article first published in Kindred Spirit magazine